In the film Ted, the title moniker is actually the unimaginative name given by an eight-year-old loner to his yes-man teddy bear that repeats ‘I Love You’ whenever it’s squeezed. One magical night the boy wishes for Ted to become a real live companion. The wish is granted and before anyone can say ‘be careful what you wish for’ the boy and his bear are making a pact to be friends for life.  

Ted becomes an international sensation who, as the narrator (Patrick Stewart) tells us, people eventually lose interest in.   

What an odd notion that a live talking teddy bear should have a limited shelf life before it starts to decay into a one-joke gimmick – odder still that no one realized this before the project was green lit.

But we’re in the hands of director/writer Seth MacFarlane who strives to make Ted audacious, offensive and irreverent. I’m willing to chance a single gimmick-joke on the man who gave us Family Guy and see where it goes. And while there are many attempts, some successful, to push the comedy out of our comfort zone and towards the outrageous, instead of the unbearable, Ted is just a foul- mouthed but kindly teddy bear in need of a big hug. 

Ted, a fully functional, free thinking, live-in-the-moment plush toy, smokes excessive amounts of weed, parties with hookers, impresses his boss by making lewd sexual references about his wife, hangs out with has-been movie stars and is known to sniff a line or two off a bathroom mirror. He’s also sensitive to his owner’s needs and openly expresses a desire to be loved. This contrast of character traits may have played if Owen Wilson was in the role but it seems a misplaced layer of depth when plopped into the psyche of a stuffed child’s toy.   

MacFarlane voices Ted although you’ll swear that’s Peter Griffin delivering the lines with his familiar pattern of rambling non-sequitor, trailing observations and touches of add-on quips. MacFarlane keeps the comedy coming fast and vulgar, but never fast enough, and strangely never vulgar enough even by teddy bear standards.

Sure, it’s big news that MacFarlane is making the leap from a successful animated television series to directing a (mostly) live action big screen feature. It would have been bigger news if the leap had been more consistent with MacFarlane’s highly regarded style of subversive humour and less along the lines of a charming and ultimately mediocre romantic comedy – a comedy served better by the genuine appeal of its two live actors than the constructed appeal of its title star.  Mark Wahlberg is perfect as the underachieving nice guy and Mila Kunis - whose mere presence overrides anything else on the screen - makes the only argument for seeing the film in a theatre. 

I would have liked to introduce MacFarlane to an old acquaintance who, when pushed to reveal some nostalgic thoughts on his childhood, resigned to a memory of a much cherished teddy bear. This touching admission was shattered when he added, “I just loved the sound the bear made when I stuck pencils in and out of its stuffing “.

MacFarlane could have used this guy on set. I’ve no doubt MacFarlane intended to stab the stuffing out of the teddy bear illusion but sabotages his own efforts by trading obscenities with sentiment far too many times to leave anything but a gentle impression.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars
Director:  Seth MacFarlane
Run Time: 106 mins

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