It’s the nature of the rich to get richer, and the poor to get all uppity about it. You could cite any buzz phrase – “trickle down,” “job creators,” “The American Dream” – to justify a world where like eight people have all the money, but the poor could reply with countless examples of the rich being horrible, greedy monstrosities.

Inspired by International Cooperation Minister Bev Oda's recent public shaming, we’ve gathered five examples. Rich people, this is why the 99 per cent hate you ...

5. Dennis Kozlowski’s magic umbrella stand

In 2002 Tyco International CEO Dennis Kozlowski was convicted of stealing millions (81 of them) from his company in the form of “compensations.” Granted, he did lead Tyco to great success in the ‘90s, success he illustrated to the world by buying a $6,300 sewing basket, a $2,200 golden garbage bin, a $15,000 dog-shaped umbrella stand and a $1,650 appointment book, among other treasures. At that point he might as well have wiped his ass with dodo feathers.

Kozlowski’s conviction seemed motivated as much by his addiction to comically overpriced consumer goods as any actual crime. This past April he unsuccessfully “begged for mercy” from a New York state parole board. New York’s inhumane prisons don’t allow toilet bowls carved from moon rocks or diamond-encrusted shivs, sadly.

4. Qatar’s $250 million painting

Qatar is by most accounts the richest country in the world, an oil-stained feat it achieved relatively overnight. In response, the country has mapped out brand new cities, built giant towers it can’t finish and allegedly paid $250 million for a single painting, the highest art bid in history.

Which painting would warrant such a price tag? The Mona Lisa? Starry Night? The Sistine Chapel’s roof lopped off and relocated to the Middle East? How about this:



That’s Paul Cézanne’s The Card Players, a truly spellbinding depiction of two guys, one whose head appears to be collapsing in on itself, playing cards. No matter its importance to art history, considering you probably haven’t heard of it and Cézanne dropped at least three more nearly identical paintings, $250 million seems like a lot! Like enough to breed a Paul Cézanne clone and force him to paint your portrait. 



3. Lottery winner’s strip joint robbery

Ah, America, a nation where a man can toil and work for years and see his dreams come true. Or, he can find $315 million shovelled into his bank account overnight for no practical reason. That’s exactly what happened to Andrew Jackson Whittaker Jr. in 2002; the West Virginia businessman grabbed that Powerball payout and managed to spend $114 million of it in four years.

That’s not even half, right? Except the lottery offers either a full-amount payment annuity or a $170 million immediate cash payout, and we’ll give you one guess as to which Whittaker took. After taxes he was left with that cool $114 million, large chunks of which he just decided to carry around with him. Among other cash-sucking misfortunes, including legal woos, gambling debts and religious charity donations, Whittaker reportedly lost $545,000 after thieves broke into his car outside a strip club, and another $200,000 in a similar incident the following year. Maybe lining the upholstery with Ben Franklins was a bad idea.

2. Bono’s hat

Paul “Bono” Hewson, vocalist for U2 and champion of the poor, is known for wearing the same stupid hat everywhere he goes. Does it give him special powers? Did he and the hat make some sort of blood pact 30 years ago?

In 2007, the always-reliant British tabloid press reported that Bono shelled out a cool 1,000 British pounds (roughly $1,500) on a plane ticket for the hat after leaving it behind at a charity gig. For that price the hat received a full-body massage, free alcohol and the chance to write U2’s next album.

1. William Aramony’s donation to poontang

Non-profit charity The United Way was officially founded in 1970 to assist American communities with fundraising projects and has since expanded to over 45 countries.

Much of this success was thanks to William Aramony, United Way CEO until 1992, when he was convicted of fraud to the tune of $1.2 million. Among other accusations, Aramony apparently helped out the less fortunate while being privately chauffeured, flying first class and giving gifts to a mistress barely out of her teens. The New York Daily News reported: “Their love nest was an E. 65th St. condo. Aramony used $450,000 in partnership dollars to buy and furnish the pad with such luxuries as Sony Trinitron TVs, original watercolors, crystal vases, oriental furniture and a king-size bed ... the lovebirds enjoyed vacations in Egypt, London, Las Vegas and Atlantic City, and trips to area horse tracks.”

All these totally reasonable expenses were billed to United Way, leading to a massive overhaul of the company and numerous disaffiliations from local branches.