WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 22, 2017
 
Blog TORO MAN
OBAMA / THE HARBAUGH BROS.
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TORO has been covering the beautiful and talented women of the world for years. For all the guys who feel left out, we celebrate all that can be done by the stronger, dumber sex.

BARACK OBAMA, AMERICA'S JESUS

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Ah, the inaugural address. It’s a tradition that gave us John F. Kennedy wearing a silly top hat and William Henry Harrison slowly freezing to death. And it’s a chance to see a man who has spent four years trying to become slightly more popular than another man bask in his victory. He does this by standing awkwardly for a few minutes while touching a book about magic.

Yesterday, Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States, again, in a ceremony marred only by horrible weather and horrible Lupe Fiasco music. Speaking to his supporters, the tyrannical despot stressed the importance of unity, “[We] possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive; diversity and openness; and endless capacity for risk and gift for reinvention ... we are made for this moment, and we will seize it together.” He then immediately unveiled his plan to confiscate military-grade assault weapons from every man, woman and child in the nation, thus completing his Orwellian ascension to political omnipotence. That was easy!


NEIL BERGQUIST, SNOW HERO

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While Obama shivered in the cold for our amusement millions of schoolchildren across North America reveled in yet another blast of winter snow. Thanks to Seattle resident Neil Bergquist, some of them got to enjoy it on a whole other level.

This past week, Bergquist organized a world record-setting snowball fight to raise money for the Boys and Girls Club. Participants totaled 5,834, taking the previous record held by South Korea by the head then pushing it in a ditch and kicking snow all over it (in our neighboirhood snowball fights got pretty intense.)  

The battle was not deterred by a lack of the white stuff; in lieu of re-setting his sights on the World’s Largest Clump of Dirt Fight record, Bergquist arranged for 160, 000 lbs. of snow to be hauled in from out of town. It was probably awesome.

THE HARBAUGH BROTHERS, SUPERBOWL RIVALS

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This year’s Super Bowl XLVII already has a cute nickname, variously known as the HarBowl, SuperBaugh or Brother Bowl. That’s because, for the first time, North America’s most watched sporting event will pit two coaches from the same mother against each other.

John Harbaugh, of the Baltimore Ravens, and his brother Jim, of the San Francisco 49ers, will bring their respective teams together on February 3 to decide once and for all, who was really Dad’s favourite. John, the oldest by a year, is expected to use his patented “Big Brother” play of borrowing the 49ers without asking, breaking them, then trying to put them back in Jim’s room without him noticing. Alternatively, Jim will overreact to all of John’s rule infractions with petulant whining. It’s going to be a great game.

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