SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2014
 
Blog DAILY TORO
"BREASTAURANT" OWNER RENAMES TOWN "BIKINIS, TX"
bikini.jpg

Look out Disneyland: Someone’s coming for your Happiest Place On Earth crown.

Doug Guller, owner of the Texas “breastaurant” chain Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill, recently purchased a ghost town and renamed it, well, Bikinis. The town was up for sale on Craigslist, nobly sandwiched between the giving-away of a “Louis Fuitton” mattress and a want ad for “an Asian man with feet like an Asian woman.”

The town, formerly Bankersmith, is located two hours outside of Austin. Its peak population is said to have been 40 people, sometime in the 1920s, before the Depression kicked in and people realized that living in a desert with no economy sucked.

"We want it to be a big playground," Guller recently told Eater. "We're going to have some live music and put in a dance hall."

As Mayor — or is that benevolent dictator? — Guller also plans to turn the old post office into the Bikinis Hall of Fame, a temple of worship dedicated to everyone's favourite bathing suit. Also coming is a Bikinis Bill of Rights (certainly inspired by the Beastie Boys) and a Bikinis Declaration of Independence (from the tyranny of turtlenecks, no doubt). Both treatises will likely be written in crayon, and stained with BBQ sauce.

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