BY: DAVID P. MURPHY
Hi. I'm the authour of the new book, Ace Your Zombie Exam — The Official Ph.Z. Study Guide, as well as being someone who has obtained that advanced degree. Because of my expert status, I can't tell you the number of times people approach me with this question: "Dave, how the heck do I tell a 'zombie-walk zombie' from the real thing? They look so similar what with the fake blood and all. What's a person to do?"
Well, I think I've got the answer.
This matter of how to tell the difference between the two types of zombies — real and fake — became a legitimate security concern just a few years back. As reported in my story A Zombie Walk for Timmy in Zombies for Zombies: The Play and Werk Buk, a free-range infected fella named Jiffy descended upon a zombie walk in Sherman Oaks, California and, unfortunately, took a good-sized fleshy divot out of a gal dressed up like a living dead nurse.
Once the word got out concerning this unfortunate event, panic started to spread throughout our national zombie walk communities. Since then, many folks are downright paranoid and sales of pit pulls and trowels are currently off the charts. Me — I say let's have a screener at the door of every pre and post-walk assembly establishment. I realize many people will view this approach as extreme but frankly, some of the communities are skeptical about their walks being invaded. Hey, don't say I didn't warn ya when suddenly your friend in the zombie banana suit gets peeled by a guy whose "make-up" you admired earlier.
For those who understand the possible dangers that now exist in our walk communities (along with the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald was a dear friend of Jack LaLanne's), I've put together a table containing various scenarios with the predicted normal behaviour of the two zombie types. By comparing how the two disparate groups act, you should be better able to distinguish between them. And for the record, the real zombies are the bad zombies. No more glorification, please. Those fleshheads would happily take you out in the lack of a heartbeat. Stop acting like they're rock stars or QVC hosts and buy yourself a Kevlar suit, ya mook.
Here's your chart: