Premature ejaculation, also known as rapid ejaculation, rapid climax, premature climax, blowing your load too soon, or early ejaculation, affects 2.5 to 4 per cent of poker players in North America. Admittedly not a large number, but for the sufferer of the condition, or illness if you will, life can be difficult. I know one such individual, and for the purposes of this column, I will call him Mr. Tittle. Mr. Tittle used to frequent a weekly ring game my friend Carmenooch held at his house on Friday nights in Toronto’s tony Forest Hill neighbourhood, and yes, Mr. Tittle suffered from a particularly embarrassing and painful case of premature ejaculation.

The extent of his condition was fully disclosed on one memorable evening back in June of 2009, when during a heated session of hold´em with a motley crew of players representing a wide range of playing styles – everything from kamikaze to solid rock – Mr. Tittle, who had thus far been rather nondescript, made a standard raise from the cut-off position and three other people called. He didn’t seem too pleased with this. But then Mr. Tittle was known to kvetch no matter what. Everyone has their style of personality. We must allow everyone to be themselves, no?

When the flop came, A-A-10, two players checked to Mr. Tittle who was sitting there wearing the classic shit-eating grin. His arms shook, the jellies of his bloodshot eyes trembled, and his feet tap-danced under the table. I personally thought he was having some kind of convulsion, but when he pushed all-in I didn’t know what to think. No one at the table knew what to think. They all eyed him with a mix of suspicion and scorn, but then again they eyed everyone at the table with suspicion and scorn.

I figured Mr. Tittle might have something like A-K. Sometimes betting right out with trips is the best way to go. You either out-kick the other trips or catch a paying non-believer. Then again with this board if one of the other players had pocket 10s, the aces were in deep trouble – but what was the likelihood of that? In any event, none of this mattered because the other three players killed the mystery instantly by folding in rapid succession. Mr. Tittle took down the pot uncontested. Just another meaningless hand. But when Mr. Tittle proudly turned over pocket aces, showing everyone his quads, the initial stunned and almost uncanny silence, was replaced by a flurry of comments and questions, and then, after more consideration, a barrage of merciless ridicule and hearty laughter. Needless to say, Mr. Tittle hasn’t been seen at the game since. But Mr. Tittle should be made aware that he is not alone and that modern science has come to the rescue – treatments now exist to help Mr. Tittle with his condition.

Scientists believe that the neurotransmitter serotonin plays a central role in modulating ejaculation. Several animal studies have demonstrated its inhibitory effect on ejaculation. A low level of serotonin in the synaptic cleft in these specific areas in the brain could cause premature ejaculation. Clinical studies have demonstrated the efficacy of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which increase serotonin level in the synapse, in treating premature ejaculation.

Another, less obvious thing Mr. Tittle might be suffering from is simple magnesium deficiency, very common in the Western world and especially in Toronto. It has been directly connected to premature ejaculation. Let’s hope Mr. Tittle reads this column, admits the problem and seeks help, or pops a few magnesium tablets so he can rejoin our game without further opprobrium.

Emile Frendo of the Honeymoon City is a semi-professional poker player and winner of the 2006 Pirate Poker Open Championship.