Andy Williams Doesn´t Need Any More Change: 82-year-old pop singer/songwriter Andy Williams (not to be confused with will.i.am., Ted Williams, William Tell, Paul Williams, William Shakespeare, Wilma Flintstone or Wilmer Valderrama) may enjoy making “Music to Watch Girls By,” but he certainly isn´t interested in making “Music for Big Brother to Watch You By.”

According to an interview with the U.K.´s Telegraph noodlepaper (that´s what they call reading rags on that side of the pond), he´s concerned that Barack Obama “wants to create a socialist country.” He also says he “doesn´t like him” and that he´s “gotten used to mushy food”* and “can´t believe my baby-sized spirit lives in a rickety, old man-sized body” while “this so-called president gets to live in a swimmer´s paradise of a torso.”

*This is where I started lying.

Andy Williams: Obama is "following Marxist theory"

Switzerland Is a Good Place to Ski, Not Such a Good Place to Polanski: There´s nothing funny about what Roman Polanski did – and no, I´m not talking about that movie Pirates! I´m talking about the other thing – the thing he finally got arrested for while attending a film festival in Switzerland.

Los Angeles police are finally going to sentence him for doing what so many others did in the 1970s – something gross. I guess Roman won´t be doing much “roamin´” anymore, right! A petition being circulated is asking people to protest the circumstances of his arrest, claiming that film festivals should not be used to entrap people. I disagree – in fact, two years ago, I myself invented a film festival in order to entrap Mr. Polanski. My aim wasn´t to arrest him, but to impress him with (what I thought was) a note-perfect Jack Nicholson impression. Roman punched me, which is part of why I have no sympathy for him.

Now let´s all relax and watch a vintage Brian Austin Green video.

"You Send Me" music video

Nick Flanagan is a comedian, freelance writer and professional huggist. Write popculture@toromagazine.com with questions or comments, or check him out at twitter.com/xflansx.