Shakespeare wrote “I do fear thy nature, it is too full of the milk of human kindness.” But we’re here to talk about the milk of human boob, which is flowing out onto our mall food court tables and bus station benches nationwide.

There’s nothing wrong with letting a little nip hang out, if it means the difference between a calm docile child, and a hungry, screaming child. Why doesn’t anyone openly complain about the din these little monsters make, instead of the natural beauty and mild grossness of breast milk spilling in someone strangers lap?

I also don’t like these strange appliances women are strapping to themselves in order to hide their shame or facilitate the ease of milk delivery. If it’s so damn natural, it would seem unnatural to buy artificial units for your own tit.

Why not buy another person to be your tit instead, like back in the olden days. I think they called them “wet nurses," because their job of nursing was very wet.

Throw a few greenbacks to some woman that looks like you, so the baby doesn’t confused, while you go out shopping.