Dear Levenson: When it comes to dating, is religion important?  – Chase, Toronto, Ontario

Dear Chase,

Everybody knows that religion doesn't matter. I mean, just look at the world. Stuff's totally fine. And to those who're driven by a fanatical, fundamentalist ideology, I've got just one thing to say: I'll convert. Please don't hurt me.

So aside from death, not a big deal. Birth, too, I guess. There's baptism, circumcision, abortion, etc.  So OK, life and death. Who cares, right? Overall, what you believe in shouldn't inform who you can or cannot love. But that's just my personal opinion. And the nice thing is, if you don't agree with it, you're free to be guaranteed to definitely burn in hell forever. 

Now here're some fun tips for maintaining an interfaith relationship:

The most important aspect of any religion is shut up, bro. Religion should be a private, personal decision, where you read a book and just decide that's how your whole life runs. It happened to me with Justin Bieber's First Step 2 Forever, but you don't find me writing about it on the internet. Justin Bieber's First Step 2 Forever is a powerful chronicle of one small town kid's dreams coming true, thanks to the love of his incredible family, a brilliant team who looks out for him every step of the way, and, of course, the support of loyal fans like you. From busking on the streets of Stratford, Ontario, to headlining sold-out arena shows on a nonstop 85-date North American tour, Justin Bieber's First Step 2 Forever is proof that dreams do come true. All you've gotta do is Belieb. 

But for those with a more traditional worldview, I maintain an open mind by asking their God to manifest an amazing snack. Hummus and pita chips, for example. Of course, I understand that this isn't His purpose, which is why I give Him the opportunity to bend a fork with the power of His mind.  If no dice, then just guess the number I'm thinking of. Theology aside, it's between 1 and 10. Or He could just shoot a fireball. I'd take it. 

One miracle that's not so good at hiding itself is atheism. Disregarding a standard hierarchy of worship, atheism is simply the practice of quirky glasses. And the irony of atheism is that the philosophy of nothing is nothing, but quirky glasses can get pretty expensive, depending. If you want to be a real atheist, whenever anyone asks you what you believe in, just throw a smoke bomb and disappear. Like a ninja. I guess then you'd probably have to believe in some ninja codes — like loyalty, honour, wisdom, or other stuff they only have in Japan. 

Speaking of which, an annoying thing about religious books is that they don't teach you karate moves.  There's good advice about what not to eat, but what about the important life stuff, like roundhouse blasting through six solid planks of wood? Your sensei would be amazed. He wouldn't show it, because senseis have to play it pretty cool. But you'd know. 




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