MONDAY SEPTEMBER 25, 2017
 
Blog LETTERS TO LEVENSON
THE ONE
natalie-portman-hot.jpg

Dear Levenson:  How do you know if she's “The One?”  – Todd, Montreal

Dear Todd,

It's tricky to know who you'll be with for the rest of your life. One good way to figure it out is to just die. Kind of clears itself up.  

A lot of relationship stuff makes more sense when you're dead. For instance, “Can I see you again?”  Sort of got your answer there. If you're afraid of seeming desperate, being dead can be a badass excuse to let it go to voicemail. And if you ever promised to “change,” think this one's pretty noticeable.  

But let's face it: Death isn't for everyone. Personally I'm interested in a more conventional approach, like immortality. Doctor says the cholesterol's looking better, so I'm pretty sure I got this. Cool thing about never dying is that most of your girlfriends' lifetimes are kind of a one-and-done type of deal. Then you can do a regroup.  

In ancient times, marriages were arranged and binding until death. Nowadays you get to decide for yourself, and you can still be like “nah” if they do something annoying. Not sure why everyone's still worked up about it. 

I can't tell you how to live your life, but that's only because I'm not a priest or librarian. In my experience, it's no thing for librarians to get up in your business if you're talking loud or lighting fires with the neighbourhood bully. Next time a librarian tries to tell you what to do, just ask her who you're supposed to marry, then. Most librarians will just whisper “Me!” and run away crying. They think they're so goddamned smart.

If I could give one piece of advice to my younger self, it'd be: “Whatever you do, don't eat the ...” If he wanted the other piece, he'd have to pay. Fuck him. Overall, there's no “perfect” age to settle down, but when I see my ass in a suit I know I've passed it. 

If you've ever been anxious that someone wasn't your soul mate, ask yourself this: Sup with your soul?  Seems like kind of an asshole. I never wonder if anyone's my soul mate because my soul isn't a dick like that. There's this one girl that I think has a dumb laugh, but my soul says he's down if she brings weed. He's just, like, really chill.  

If you're open-minded about the supernatural, one option might be a psychic or clairvoyant. For those with a more critical, scientific perspective, I'm thinking Magic 8-Ball. One question I'd like to ask that thing is what billiards has to do with any of this. If you're trying to seem all mystical and New Age-y, maybe avoid sports bar stuff. Alternately, a Ouija board can yield amazing results, especially if you push the thing to spell NATALIE PORTMAN. If that seems questionable, just do HOT JEW. Basically the easiest crossword clue in history. Spirit world gets it. 

Levenson

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