Is it okay to get back with an ex?  – Ron, Miami

Dear Ron,

Love: The great, inestimable mystery! As if synthesized from vapour, a stranger enters our life – and suddenly, they're the centre of our Universe, the very purpose of our being! Next thing you know, they're out purposing the being of the guy who works at the juice stand – yes, the tall guy with the bandana around his head – and you were actually stupid enough to believe she was seeing Evita with her aunt from Minneapolis!

I'm talking theoretically, of course. How quickly the subject of our affection can become the subject of a rather comprehensive restraining order, never to set foot within 100 yards from our property! But Katherine, if you're reading: Enjoy the juice. The guy wears a rag for a hat. Are you kidding me? Stay the fuck away from my office.

It's confusing to discover that you've still got feelings for an old flame. Spend enough nights alone drinking seltzer in your underpants, and your relationship with the alcoholic kleptomaniac is liable to recall itself with the romantic majesty of the Curies co-discovering radium. If this sounds about right – congratulations! Speculating wildly about something you've already deemed a torturous failure is proof that you love yourself at least a little less than you did six months ago! 

Ron, a relationship is like a bridge: If one side crumbles, it is entirely useless. Also it's a great place to go if you're trying to kill yourself. Thus, the resumption of an aborted romance must be built on a healthy foundation of mutual self-loathing. Ask her to a show! Did she go for it? Terrific! The most profound messages of love are communicated subliminally, and you've tacitly acknowledged that you're ready to settle for what you've previously agreed was far, far below your standards. In your time apart, you've grown and learned that what you deserve – if anything at all – isn't much. Again – theoretically!

Putting your old relationship back in gear can be tricky at first. Though you'll discover that many of the old problems persist, it's important to look forward to the new problems that will inevitably disintegrate your psyche. Remember: A doomed relationship's lurid history of dysfunction isn't going anywhere – but luckily, neither are you! 

Go Get 'Er,

Levenson

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