A girl I like asked me to see a movie.  How do you know if it's a “date?” – Jeremy, Las Vegas

Hey Jeremy,

In today's game of dating, the “rules” are out the window. Though past generations viewed male/female interaction as serving only a sexual purpose, the youth of today have proven themselves capable of far more complex, cerebral, and shitty/boring inter-gender relations.

The truth is, men and women are increasingly spending time together under vague pretenses.  Sometimes a girl thinks you're hot and cool and wants to bone, so she asks you to hang out. Sometimes a girl thinks you're cool but not hot, so she asks you to hang out but definitely not bone.  Sometimes a girl thinks you're neither hot nor cool, but she asks you to hang out because all her friends are busy boning. So how do you know where you stand? It's simple: You ask! But never ask cuz you're making things WAY AWKZ OMG!

Asserting your own intentions from the get-go can seem scary, until you realize that text messages are make-believe and words on a phone are pretend words that go to a not-real person with invisible feelings. Here's your chance! Next time a female co-worker invites you to the botanical gardens, simply say I WANNA SEE UR BUSH. Mutual friend with an extra ticket to Paul Simon? CAN U BLOW ME PAL DURING U CAN CALL ME AL? Girl from the laundromat asks if you'd like to take a cheese-making class together? Hey, how 'bout I WANNA FUCK U AT THE END. Haven't received an immediate response? Don't be discouraged! You've planted the seeds of courtship, and courtship moves slow, because it's tender/beautiful.

Once you and your might-be-date are actually in one another's presence, a little observation can go a long way in determining the real purpose of your rendezvous. Study the signs! Particularly the one marked “EXIT,” which is where you head when she mentions her husband the Navy SEAL. Overcome with nausea, stabbing pains in your chest, unable to breathe or swallow? Hey – maybe it's pheromones!  While sharing a bucket of popcorn, try “accidentally” reaching in to brush her hand. Did it recoil in horror, then crack like scorched earth and crumble to dust which quickly spread up her arm to consume the body, leaving only a rattling pile of smoking bones? Fuck it, dude – she's a lesbo!

Harboring unrequited feelings can deal quite a blow to a friendship, and not the kind you were hoping for. If you find that your trip to the movies wasn't the sudden spark of romance you'd anticipated, focus your energy in a positive way. The pain of rejection has inspired many of the greatest works of literature, visual art and music, including “November Rain.”  Remember: Life is a long, tasteless solo, and your leather pants aren't helping.

Nothing Lasts Forever,

Levenson

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