Levenson: I never had any problems with girls. I had girlfriends, went on dates, got laid all the time.  Now I'm in my thirties and it's nothing doing. What happened? How come I'm not meeting anyone?  – Darren, Ottawa

Dear Darren,

Life is a long, beautiful and meandering trail that gets narrower with each step. In our earliest adventures, we encounter many fellow travellers. But in our twilight years, we're lucky simply to squish the carcass of a forest rat beneath our bare and bleeding feet, frantically searching for a clearing between the ghoulish shadows of the timber. Then, mercifully, Death claims us, as we stroke out in cardiac convulsions, frightened and alone, with only the memory of better days behind us to feed our barren souls – and, most pitifully, never even having reached our final destination. Getting married is exactly the same, but the tax deduction is dynamite.

By the time we're in our thirties, the tangled path has already been considerably obscured – and all the chicks you meet are packing rucksacks filled with herpes. 

Yes – the responsibilities and time commitments of career and adulthood, like the cunning python, encumber our bodies unbeknownst – slithering beside us rather unassumingly, but quickly coiling round the torso until no air of companionship may enter. Still, some say it's worth it for the health insurance.

But – what to do? Join a club? Speed dating? Internet personals?

Darren, I say no! And the reason for this is simple: Rather than clumsily forcing a pretentious social situation upon ourselves, I firmly and wholeheartedly believe it's better to channel one's wild, unrestrained terror and raw moments of primal desperation into a series of awkwardly attempted re-connections with dismissive ex-girlfriends!

Unsure of how to proceed? Below, please find several such attempts on my behalf. Feel free to paraphrase!

From:  Noah Levenson
Subject:  hey
Date:  Friday May 25, 2012 11:43 PM EDT
To:  XXXXXXXXXXX

Hey K.,

I'm not hitting on you. So, how are ya? I'm really busy with stuff and making money hand over fist. So I was just sitting here eating a can of tuna and wondering, you know, like what you've been up to or whatever. Accidentally saw some pictures of you on vacation in Barcelona with the dark-haired-stubble guy. Who is he and what is your relationship to him? The Internet's crazy! I know where you do yoga.

N.

From:  Noah Levenson
Subject:  heard u got divorced
Date:  Friday June 1, 2012 10:13 PM EDT
To:  XXXXXXXXX

Dear S.,

I didn't really hear you got divorced! But are you divorced. Because that's what I heard. Are you taking applications? Ha-ha! I'm just kidding. That was very callous of me. My number is 646-XXX-XXXX.

N.

From:  Noah Levenson
Subject:  a confession
Date:  Friday June 15, 2012 11:56 PM EDT
To:  XXXXXX 

Dear M.,

There's something I knew the whole time we were together but I never said out loud: Human beings and giraffes have exactly the same number of bones in their neck. I read it in an animal trivia book. Can you believe it? Also where are you right now and who are you with?

N.

Happy Trails,

Levenson

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