If his sex life — such as it is — at 30 had a title, columnist Noah Levenson has some possible titles. He also shares some other random thoughts in his latest 'Turn of the Screw' ...

ACCURATE TITLES FOR MY SEX LIFE, AT 30:

Pedestrian Monogamy

A Brief History of Thyme

Finally Too Tired To Fuck You

I Don't Play Tricks; You Don't Suck Dicks

I Don't Tell Lies; You Don't Like Guys

Antique Roadhead

The Exorcister-in-Law

It's My Back

Blonde on Blonde Online

How It's Made: Anxiety

Bougie in a Coogi

Your Eye in the Moonlight

Cradle Attraction

Dustbusters II

A Lethal Dose of Caution

Metaphysical Graffiti

ON THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE:

Intelligent life: The notion hangs ominously. Under what circumstances will we finally meet, and more importantly, will we have to eat brunch with their Skidmore friends every Sunday? 

Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

but I read on the 'Net

that Lady GaGa has a penis

TIMELINE OF THE FAR FUTURE:

10,000 years: The end of humanity, according to Brandon Carter's Doomsday argument.

36,000 years: Ross 248 passes between 3.024 light years of Earth, becoming the Sun's closest star.

10,000,000 years: The East African Rift valley is flooded by the Red Sea.

3,500,000,000 years: Surface conditions on Earth are comparable to those on Venus today.

22,000,000,000,000 years: God forgives Hollywood for Michael Cera.

LETTER TO THE ATTENTION OF DR. ROLF-DIETER HEUER, DIRECTOR OF CERN:

Dear Dr. Heuer,

With knowledge of your pursuit for the hypothetical Higgs Boson, I thought it appropriate that I suggest to you several candidates worthy of employment at your research facility. With an  understanding of the education, experience, research background and personal disposition that might be required for such advanced work as sub-atomic discovery, I submit for your consideration the following persons:

Katherine Whelan, of Manhattan, New York:  We dated in high school. She insisted that I wear non-prescription glasses while accompanying her to social functions, so as to appear more intellectual.

Rebecca Horowitz, of Forest Hills Gardens, Queens, New York: Introduced by mutual friends. She could not live in an apartment without a dishwasher.

Sarah Brown, of Livingston, New Jersey:  Met at a book signing. She insisted that all my friends were “philistines.” One of them is a respected professor of art history at a prestigious private university.  “Yes, especially him,” she said.

Though these choices may, upon initial review, appear curious – if not meritless – I can say with absolute certainty that these women are experts in the field of particle smashing. They will pulverize your shit to dust.

Eagerly Anticipating Your Response,

Levenson