SATURDAY NOVEMBER 18, 2017
 
Blog SEX ETERA
SEX WITH FREE DELIVERY
HOTME.jpg

Are you horny but too lazy to borrow your roommate’s vibrator? Has your bar hookup refused to take off his pants unless you bring him a Tenga Male Masturbator?

Fear not. A Toronto company will deliver sex toys to your door, hotel, or coffee shop within 60 minutes, seven days a week, between 10 a.m. and 3 a.m.

It’s called Heat Of The Moment Express (HOTME) and it’s owned by two fellas named Roberto Piazza and Bruno Pistilli.

And when they’re not shipping anal rods and rubber vaginas to your doorstep, they produce a comedic web series entitled ‘Lifestyles.’ Characters include swingers, a sex therapist and Naked Toni from Naked News.

To learn more about these purveyors of fine filth, I tracked down Roberto to his fortified compound in the 905.

What are your busiest times?

10 a.m. and 2 a.m. There it is ... the pulse of masturbation in Toronto. I‘m guessing the 10 a.m. orders are based on kids being at school by 9 a.m. so parents like to get their vibe on right after. The 2 a.m. orders are people having a hard time getting that last orgasm before bed, so they call us! 

Tell the truth: did you start this service to meet sexy, horny women?

OK, so my wife takes me to a sex shop wanting to buy some sex toys. I’m guessing lingerie maybe a vibrator. I told her get something she wants and I’ll get something I like. I’m looking around, who do I meet, this girl from my work. We start talking a little and as we walk up to the cash, what does my wife bring to the counter. “The Hindenburg.” Since then my wife was known as the Hindenburg at my work. I think I came up with the idea in the car on the way home and unfortunately for my wife, when I get something in my head; there is no stopping me.

Are your customers so sexed up and lazy, they can’t even put their clothes on to visit a sex shop?

I love your questions. It’s almost like you really understand our customers. Here's another stat for you. Most men hate shopping, and sex shops are rated the all-time most loathed. Unfortunately for most dudes, our one-hour delivery guarantee is 59 minutes too late. When we deliver to women, they're usually in their bathrobes. I think it's a "day-off lounging around" thing ... and pampering is part of the day’s agenda. So even getting dressed is not necessary. Either way, I’m guessing as soon as we leave, our products are doing their job.

What are your five most popular items?

We Vibe 2. We Vibe 3. Tenga Mens Masturbators. Fleshlight. Erotic Jewellery imported from France.

We love making naked bodies look good. Swingers from the Oasis Aqua Lounge love our stuff.

Describe your regular customers.

Roughley 35% are men, 25% women and 40% are couples looking to spice up their love life. Most customers are younger. Maybe it's the "satisfaction NOW" generation who finally has a chance to get what they have always wanted without having to wait.

Most of our sales are in the GTA. Our most regular customers are customers who have already used our service. It seems that once you use HOTME you’re hooked.

What kind of work did you guys do before you delivered sex toys within 60 minutes?

We’re just two guys who got laid off from the same company. Bruno has the great customer service abilities and I’m the technical guy. This has been a passion of mine for a long time and Bruno is the only person who didn’t tell me I was crazy. Now it’s become an obsession for both of us.

I see you’re offering people a chance to host Pleasure Parties and earn money by selling sex toys. Gotta ask: is this like an Amway pyramid scam with dildos?

I hate pyramids! What's with that shit?

Party hosting is very simple. If you want to host a Pleasure Party we give big discounts to your friends and give $15 from every order to the person hosting the party. By the end of the night, we deliver all the products in private packages to each person.

Your web series trailer includes scenes with you naked. Tell me straight, Roberto: Are you (or have you been) a porn producer?

Negative. Porn is old school. You can watch commercials that are better at getting me off.

I want to create something that says, "Why didn’t I think of that?" If you told me 20 years ago I could shoot a show and post it for the world to see, I would have said, "Sign me up!" I’m an old school enthusiast with a desire to use new technology to get my sex toys to your house.

We want to connect with our customers. Entertain them. Make them happy. This is our brand. So I teamed up with Jeff Ballantyne, a local producer/director here in Toronto, to make Lifestyles, a soap opera for Toronto's adult underground scene.

Are you hoping this will turn into a TV series?

That would be great, as long as we maintained control. Have you seen the crap on TV lately? Internet is where the talent is; it truly is an independent and unbiased platform. I think the network should be mine. HOTME TV!

What I’m really hoping is: when a viewer watches our show, and chooses to use the services our real characters have to offer, they will feel like they are spending time with a celebrity. All the characters in Lifestyles are real people with real businesses here in Toronto.

What plot twists will happen in your series?

I fall in with a bad crowd that smuggles illegal fruits and vegetables ... Bruno starts his own sex club and sells dildos outta’ vending machines and gets pregnant ... Ms. Kitty goes to Tibet and studies to be a master Dominatrix ... MILF Jade braids her pussy hair into a likeness of Abraham Lincoln to win a bet ... and Naked Toni gets naked (who ever gets tired of that?!?)

How much cash have you made in the year since you started?

We have made a lot of sales but most of them are not very profitable. We put about $20 of free products in each order and we give up to $30 off their next purchase. We expected this, but this year is a write off. Right now, our concern is to satisfy our customers so much that they would be crazy to go anywhere else.

When I order a sex toy, will your driver film me as part of the web series?

Only if you sign a release form ... and can eat a banana in one bite.

If I asked your driver really sweetly, would they come inside and help us ‘install’ the sex toy?

I did have a lady ask me to install her dance pole. It was pretty easy. Then she started to dance and I knew I had to get out of there right away. I only had 10 bucks.

If I asked real sweetly, would you also bring me pizza and drugs?

Only if you ask sweetly I can bring pizza. Drugs, well, Bruno and I usually finish them .

If my vibrator doesn't arrive in 60 minutes, is it free?

Most of our customers get it in 45-minutes, so haven't had that problem yet. But if traffic is bad, or we have to save a bunch of old ladies from a bus fire ... we give you plenty of coupons towards your next purchase.

Are you going to expand and ultimately take over the world?

Yes, watch out Montreal and Alberta cause here we come.

What do your wives/girlfriends think about your new career?

My wife has this little vein in her head that some might call “her tell.” I usually see it when she has a good hand playing poking or when she wants to gouge my eyes out. Lets just say I’ve see a lot of this vein and we haven’t been playing poker.

Bruno is a single man and is so dedicated to this company that he doesn’t have time for a girl. Either that or he’s using a lot of our products and I don’t know about it.

 

1 Comments | Add a Comment
Great interview! I'm laughing my ass off cause not only am I a "happy" client of Heat of the Moment exPress but also a long time friend of Roberto and after hearing him ramble on about this idea forever I think it's awesome that he's making it happen!! The Lifstyles series is a complete bonus and sooo hilarious but , umm ... I have yet to meet Naked TonijQuery16106115649747662246_1347561101277 ))>
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