Maybe you’re in this situation: you’re a nice guy, you fall in love easily, you’re a great boyfriend, and yet you repeatedly get your heart broken. You give it away too easily, and a long string of women have taken advantage of your decency and emotional openness.
How do you cauterize your bleeding heart? Easy: start imposing a set of stringent and unyielding requirements on all of your future dating prospects. Dating you should be a hard job to get, like becoming an astronaut, or brain surgeon, or "lead singer" of the Pussycat Dolls. Basically, any future girlfriend needs to prove her worth to you before you cry after an orgasm and tell her you love her; sort of how future presidents of the United States need to prove theirs to the American people before Americans give them access to a 24-hour White House chef and the nuclear codes. So why not impose the same set of presidential requirements on your future mate?
The Age Zone
To be president of the United States, the candidate must be at least 35 years old. This is a great rule to impose on any future love interests. Immediately it slices out a large swath of the dating pool – all of those young, slutty, drunken college girls, for example. By removing all of the young candidates, you’ll be left to pick your mate from a bevy of desperate, baby-hungry women. At least you’ll know they’re not dating you for your money, but for your semen-giving abilities.
Get all "Birther" on Her
Would the American people elect someone who wasn’t born in America? We don’t think so. (Once Obama shows us a third birth certificate, then we’ll be satisfied.) Do the same with your lady. If she wasn’t born in the good ol’ USA then she’s not right for you. Besides, do you really want to date some kind of socialist European commie? The kind who give health care away, approve of you taking a mistress and get nude on beaches? Or what about those strongman-loving South Americans, with their waxed pubic areas and surgically enhanced buttocks? No thank you! Any self-respecting man would tell the foreign women to go back to their beautiful countries and stay there.
Broaden Your Horizons
While it’s not an official rule on the books, every president of the United States has been a man. This means that while looking to elect your perfect girlfriend, keep men in mind. A white male between the ages of 50 and 65 could be the lady-love you’ve been looking for. Hey, if it’s good enough for America, it’s good enough for you. Am I right?
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