I used to be a crap lay. But now I’m on the comeback trail. A vision quest, if you will, to become the gold medal-winning champion of sex.

Basically I’m home-schooling myself to become the Greatest Lover on the Planet. Twice a month, I’m seeking bonin’ wisdom from every sexpert, scientist, and professional pervert I can get my sticky hands on.

This week, I found a worldwide sex survey by Durex, which bills itself as “the world’s No. 1 condom brand.” Or in other words, “the world’s No. 1 way to make me wonder if I even had sex at all, or did I just suffer through some floppy, rubbery nightmare?”

The company hired Harris Interactive to conduct online interviews with 29,994 adults aged 18 or over. [Which is a shame, really, when you consider the most popular and exciting online porn features ‘real fresh teens’, even if they’re not, in fact, real, fresh, or teenaged. But I digress.]

According to the condom manufacturer, the goal of their ‘Durex Sexual Well-being Global Survey’ was “to gain insights into sexual well-being from the general public.”

Durex’s researchers interviewed people in 37 countries around the world from Australia to the USA. They conducted online interviews in 36 countries. Meanwhile interviews were done “face to face in Nigeria” because, as everyone knows, Nigerians simply cannot be trusted with the Internet.

Everyone, everywhere, was “questioned on key aspects of their lives: health, general well-being, education and beliefs.” Nigerians were also asked whether they were indeed sitting on a family treasure of gold bullion deposited in their name by their uncle just before he died in a plane crash leaving no will.

Durex ‘released’ the survey results yesterday. They’re both fascinating and perfectly timed for the, um, ‘launch’ of the summer Olympics in London.

Their press release asked: “Are Canadians getting enough sexercise?”

The answer, alas, is ‘Not even close’. Only about half (56 per cent) of Canadians have sex once a week. Compare that to nearly three in four people around the world (71 per cent).

“How long do people take to ‘warm-up’?” asks the press release.

Globally, people spend an average 16.9 minutes on foreplay. Canadians aren’t far behind at 15.7 minutes. Not too shabby. Then again, just like in every summer Olympics, Canadians will applaud each other simply for being there.

But in the race to cross the finish line, Canadians only spend 15.9 minutes on intercourse. That’s well below the global average of 19.2 minutes. Maybe we’re so damned so turned on by each other’s beauty that we come much too fast. Either that or Canadians stop humping early because we’ve actually frozen in place.

Here are the results, continent by continent, and country to country:

Category #1: “Sexercise around the Globe”

When it comes to weekly sex, there’s definitely a continental divide.

South Americans won the gold medal with “85 per cent of people ‘sexercising’ weekly” led by 89 per cent of Columbians. That’s well ahead of second-place Africa (72 per cent), followed by Europe (71 per cent) and Asia (70 per cent). Australasia trails with 62 per cent followed by North America at only 56 per cent.

The Japanese “came in dead last” with only one in four (27 per cent) having sex weekly. And apparently nobody knows or cares if Antarcticans have sex.

Category #2: “Warming Up (aka Foreplay)”

South America wins again. They spend an average 19.7 minutes on foreplay, followed by Australasia (18.1 minutes), Europe (17.4 minutes), Africa (16.8 minutes), North America, (15.9 minutes) and Asia (14.6 minutes).

Silver and bronze medals in foreplay go to Brazilians (20.8 minutes) and Mexicans (20.5 minutes). That’s nearly double the time spent by impatient Thais (11.2 minutes) and Malaysians (12.5 minutes).

The longest average ‘warm up’ is by Greeks, spending an average 21.2 minutes on foreplay. But that’s probably because they spend extra time on their asses. Greeks also take longer at foreplay because they have to catch the boys first.

Category #3: The Race (aka Intercourse)

South Americans spent/enjoyed the longest time ballin’ at 23.8 minutes, while North Americans finished in last place at 16.1 minutes.

The quickest little fuckers were the French (14.3 minutes), British (14.5 minutes), and Japanese (14.6 minutes).

The longest riders were the second-place Swiss (26.2 minutes) and first-place Brazilians, who averaged a whopping 27.2 minutes during intercourse. To me, that sounds like a helluva long time. But to be fair, researchers may have been confused as to whether Brazilians were screwing or dancing.

Category #4: The Finish Line (aka Orgasming)

Globally, researchers discovered that only 53 per cent of adults “always or almost always” achieve orgasm during sex.

The winner again: South America, where 63 per cent say they get off, followed by Europe (60 per cent) and North America (59 per cent).

The last-place continent? Asia. Where only one in three (32 per cent) achieve the Big O. Oh, the shame.

Highest performers: Hungarians at 75 per cent, Greeks (71 per cent) and Spaniards (70 per cent).

Lowest performing countries: Malaysia (28 per cent), South Korea (25 per cent) and China at a lowly 23 per cent. Maybe it's because of population density. I know I find it difficult to orgasm when I’m having sex in front of five to seven relatives.

Also: study harder, Chinese people! I don’t know a single one of your parents who’d be impressed by 23 per cent on a test.

Anyway, Durex’s survey results are a big help. I figure they’ll make me become a better lover in three ways:

1)    I’ll avoid all travel to Japan and North America. They’re bad influences.
2)    Apparently everyone around the world is precisely timing their sex and foreplay, so I’d better get a score clock, too.
3)    This month, my superfine girlfriend and I have vowed to only have sex while wearing Colombian masks.