So I’m home schooling myself to become the Sexiest Man on Earth.

This week’s topic: oral sex.

Now, if I was honest with myself, like if I roofied myself, locked myself in the bathroom for hours on a weekday morning, and took a hard long stare into the mirror and the dark, fetid crannies of my soul — like I just did — I’d eventually break down and admit that I’m not 100 per cent confident at oral sex.

Oh sure, I’m good at receiving oral sex. Hell YEAH. Most non-eunuchs are. But I’ve never been truly confident at returning the favour.

No more. Like Tom Cruise, I want to be the best at everything. So I reached out to oral sexpert Shanna Katz, a self-described “queer kinky disabled feisty femme board certified sexologist.” Her bio says she’s a "professional pervert” and frequent guest speaker at conferences, sex toy stores, women’s groups, art galleries and dungeons. She's also written a new guidebook called Oral Sex That'll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms. It’s a groundbreaking book that, if millions of men stopped cage-fighting long enough to study it and please their ladies, just might save the world.

I tracked Ms. Katz down to her fortified compound in Denver, Colorado, and badgered her with probing questions.  

KH: You claim you’re a “professional pervert.” PROVE IT.

SK: I’ve had a room full of grown men, aged 18 to 60+, licking at cut open mangos to practice their awesome oral sex skills. Plus, I [give oral sex tips with] three vulva puppets: Vivianne, Valeria and Vulvita (a mini-vulva puppet).

KH: Sometimes when I’m giving oral sex, I get tired or distracted. Can you recommend songs for me to hum in my head that are the right length and rhythm for cunnilingus?

SK: I highly recommend Carmina Burana; it's long and has lots of highs and lows to keep things interesting.

KH: In this famous scene from Monty Python’s film The Meaning of Life, the sex ed teacher (John Cleese) tells his male students: “You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss.” Yes or no?

SK: Monty Python really hit it on the head about giving head; the clitoris isn't ground zero, but rather, is just one exciting part of the whole landscape. For some women, they NEVER want direct stimulation on their clit, and for many that do like clitoral action, they want it after a good deal of foreplay around the labia, mons and clitoral hood.

Best way to find out what your partner likes? Ask her. Every vulva is different … If she says she wants all clit all the time, then go for it. Otherwise, approach it slowly and cautiously, giving all of the other areas some loving, and only reaching the clitoris when she is beyond ready — and maybe begging for it.

KH: Standup comic Sam Kinison often said “Most guys lick pussy like they’re painting a fence. They don’t know what they’re doing.”

So he offered to help his male audience members learn how to be “an oriental lick master from the Far East.” At 05:26 of this show, he told guys to “Lick the alphabet” when going down on a woman. That was in 1987. Is this still a useful tip?

SK: It's one of the most common tips put out there for sure, but sometimes can hinder more than help. Think about it; there are 26 letters — in upper case block letters. Another 26 letters in lower case block. Plus another 52 letters if you count upper and lower case script. That's over 100 different potential motions; it can get very distracting for the person on the receiving end, and what happens if you hit a letter they like, but you've already moved onto the next one?

Rather than hitting the whole A-Z, choose just a few letters or numbers, do each one slowly, request feedback, and then continue her favourite. If all she likes is a lower case script q, then so be it.

KH: Please give me five oral sex tips THAT WILL BLOW MY WOMAN AWAY.

SK:

Tip #1) Rock around the clock.

Pretend like the clitoris is "12" on a clock. Spend some time on each of the hour marks, and figure out where she is the most sensitive. Many women tend to like the area between 2 and 3, but again, every body is different!

Tip #2) Bring on the toys!

Enlist some help to add additional stimulation stimulation. If she enjoys anal, consider anal beads or a beautiful butt plug. Nipples are her things? Think about some light nipple clamps to stimulate them while you're dining out at the Y.

Tip #3) Don't time yourself.

Men ask me all the time "how long" they need to be eating the breakfast of champions. Honestly, if you're counting the minutes, you're not as into it as you need to be to give good head. Just go for it, and keep going until she says she's done, or she's had enough orgasms that she needs a breather.

Tip #4) Solicit feedback.

No one knows how well you are performing more than the person you're pleasuring. Make sure you give her the opportunity to let you know what you're doing right ... and what adjustments you can make. Constructive feedback isn't bad; it just helps you to be a better lover.

Tip #5) Get comfy.

Put pillows under her hips to lift her hips up higher and provide a better angle. Try it on the edge of a couch. Experiment with bolsters, pillows and new positions. You're going to be there for a while; better to be comfortable so you can keep going and going and going.

KH: Thank you, professional pervert!

SK: My pleasure (and hers).

For more on Shanna, visit shannakatz.com