I used to be a crap lover. But now I’m home-schooling myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover. I’m seeking sex tips from every expert I can get my grubby hands on.

This week, I found an interesting sexuality study done at the State University of New York (SUNY) and published in the Journal of Social Psychology.

The study’s called “An Evolutionary Perspective on Effective vs. Ineffective Pick-up Lines.” It’s the brainchild of Dr. Corwin Senko, an assistant professor of psychology at SUNY, who got help from one of his students, Viviana Fyffe.

Now, judging by Dr. Senko’s faculty photo, I’d say he’s one of those confident college guys whose nerdiness disguises a real player. So I guess the first thing this study taught me is that if you want to pick up a hot young psychology student, tell her, “I’m conducting a study on effective vs. ineffective pick-up lines and I could really use your help.”

Fyffe told the SUNY student newspaper: “I thought that the study would be interesting and fun … I felt that the topic would be interesting to the surrounding college population.”

Yep, it seems Dr. Senko’s pickup line worked so well, he actually had to go through with the study.

So he and Fyffe interviewed 70 college-aged women. To which you might ask, “Why just women?”

The answer is simple. Dr. Senko, like every other thinking human in the entire world, knows that women are choosier at dating because, biologically, there’s more at stake for women.

So: the 70 research subjects were told to imagine being approached by a man using either:

-       a flippant (humorous and sexually flirtatious) pick-up line
-       a direct line (sincere and flattering)
-       or an innocuous line that sneakily masked his interest

An example of a flippant line might be: “Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.”

An example of a direct, complimentary line: “I saw you across the room and I knew I had to meet you. What’s your name?”

And a seemingly innocuous line that masks sexual interest would be: “Have we met before? I feel like we have.”

Then Senko and Fyffe added two more factors: a) the man’s attractiveness, plus b) whether or not the woman was seeking a relationship.

The results?

Senko and Fyffe discovered that when women wanted a short-term commitment (hookup, booty call, and/or one night stand) they were drawn to good-looking men who used funny/cheesy pick-up lines. But women who wanted long-term relationships were willing to settle for unappealing men who used direct pick-up lines.

Or in other words: skanky hoes like cheesy hunks. Surprise, surprise.

Now if you’re a single guy, you may be thinking, “Ken, this is all really useful intel, but where can I learn flippant pick-up lines? Can I take a pick-up line course at the State University of New York?”

The answer is ‘probably.’ But you can save time and money simply by studying the finest lines you find on PickupLinesGalore.com.

These geniuses have compiled “a huge collection of lines and sorted them into 30 categories.”

In addition to “Funny, Flattering, Cheesy Pick Up Lines” (which is where I found the Subway line above), you can select from theme categories like Crude, Gay and Lesbian, Doctor, Christmas, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Harry Potter, Anime, Halo, Super Mario Brothers, and Dog Pick-Up Lines [sample line: “I must be a Dog Tick, because I'm stuck on you,” which I guess you’re supposed to say to an actual, four-legged dog].

There are Pirate Pick Up Lines like “Nice poop deck on ya, lady. Care for a swabbin'?” and “Is that an 'X' on the seat of your pants? 'Cause it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!”

And there are even Islamic and Muslim pick-up lines such as “Our parents engaged us when we were little; they must have forgotten to tell you,” and “Are you a Shiite? Because when I saw you, I said to myself, ‘She aiight’,” and “Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh, you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter” which I’m fairly sure doesn’t make a lick of sense.

You can read and memorize all the pick-up lines here. And if any of them prove successful with any woman, anywhere, I’ll be surprised as hell and I’d sure love to hear how you pulled it off.

Then again…I suppose you could simply try looking a woman in the eye, saying “hello” and maybe asking her how her day was.

As for me, I picked up my awesome girlfriend the old-fashioned way. First, I lied to her on Facebook. Then, before we met for our first date (a sunset picnic), I told her to wear her sexy glasses instead of her contacts (a maneuver, by the way, that she says made her feel a little clumsy so it gave me the upper hand).

Now that we’ve fallen in love and moved in together – in separate bedrooms – I don’t need any cheesy maneuvers at all. I just give her constant, direct compliments because as a journalist, I’m sworn to tell the truth.

Either that, or I rely on my one, sure-fire, can’t miss pickup line: “Baby, can I get your help with my latest sex column?”