I used to be a crap lay. But now I’m on a quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover. This week: I’m proud to reveal that I’m moving in with my superfine girlfriend.

It’s exciting, but there’s a big catch. No, she’s not secretly a dude, though I suppose that could count as exciting.

Here’s the real deal: My girlfriend lives in a great two-bedroom in a nice neighourhood with a good coffee shop across the street (with free wifi! And a stampable coffee card!).

But then her roommate said she’s moving to the Caribbean. So my girl needed a new roomie, I needed to escape my loud, dusty bachelor suite, and we both wanted to grow even closer.

However, we were both concerned that living together would mean the Total Death of Sex.

I did it anyway… I asked if I could move in. She agreed, but with a huge caveat. Instead of us sharing her bedroom and using the spare room as an office, she said we’d each get our own bedroom, bed, closet, and wardrobe.

“No WAY,” I protested. Sleeping in separate rooms sounded worse than a lame 1950s sitcom. But the more I thought about it – and now that I’ve moved into my new room —  I now realize the total genius of this set-up. So here are:

10) We each get our own closet. So our horrible secrets will stay secret. Nobody wants to open their lover’s shoebox to find it full of HUMAN TEETH AND HAIR.

9) I get to live in my own man cave, with a giant TV and video game console sitting on a bar fridge packed with beer.

8) All those fantasies I’ve had about banging my female roommate will now come true. However…

7) Sleeping in the same bed is never a given, so it won’t be taken for granted. Because let’s face it … a big part of being the World’s Greatest Lover is that you shouldn’t make yourself too accessible. Keep yourself at a premium.

6) Doors = strong relationships. Prime example: way back when I was married, I bought a beautiful vintage loft. It had brick walls, thick beams, and a 30-foot ceiling. But the only door was to the bathroom. It was like living in a fishbowl or a dog-fighting ring. The marriage tanked within a year.

5) When I stumble home horny and drunk, I can crawl into my own damn bed, sext my superfine girlfriend in the next room, sweet-talk her into a booty call … without either of us having to yank clothes on and call a taxi.

4) It’s still cheaper than living alone. So with the money I save, I can replace the panties I rip off her.

3) My girlfriend wants to cut a hole in the dividing wall closet, so she can creep in and pounce on me when I’m napping.

2) When a strict grandparent comes to visit, we can pretend we’re just roommates. So the sin keeps flowing like chocolate while our inheritances stay nice and safe.

And the number one sexy reason to live in separate bedrooms:

1) On the nights when we do sleep in our own rooms, I can wake up screaming with night terrors over the horrible sex I used to have, and my fear punches won’t hurt her.

Now, you may think separate bedrooms is too weird or progressive for your taste. Go ahead. Mock away. But while you’re hiding your pepperoni sticks under your side of the mattress, tripping over your wife’s dusty thongs, and resenting your ever-dwindling sex life, I’ll be banging a hot young blonde in my man cave … and shooing her out when it’s time for sleep.