I used to be a crap lay. Ask any of my exes, if they’ll admit to having anything to do with me.

But that’s all in the past. Because now I’m on an epic self-improvement quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover (WGL).

So far I’ve studied at the feet of gurus and sexperts, consumed boner drugs and Caribbean liquid sex potions, memorized university surveys about the sensual power of music, and recoiled in horror from a medical survey that detailed a wretched sexual condition called ‘penile fracture’ (trust me: don’t search for pictures of it on Google).

I inched closer to becoming the bona fide, undisputed champion WGL by asking female friends to teach me how to send erotic photos. I learned how to cook a post-sex omelet from a must-read Australian primer called How to Be a Man. I showed up solo for a couples’ sex hypnosis class in L.A. where a Certified Master Hypnotist put me under an erotic spell, of which I can’t remember a goddamned thing. And I spent a week in Marbella, Spain working as an apprentice to a gigolo on his yacht (Note: that last one may have just been a lucid dream).

So how’s my sexual progress coming? Well, that sex hypnotist must have left me with some stormy post-hypnotic suggestions. I just moved in with my superfine girlfriend, and if our neighbours’ noise complaints (and my dog’s frightened, high-pitched howling) are any indication, I’m well on my way to becoming the greatest lover on planet Earth.

Granted, I’m not there yet. No, sir. Instead, I’m just smart enough to know just how much I don’t know about sex.

So that’s where you come in, dear reader.

I’m learning from smart people everywhere and now I’d like to learn from you. Do you have a sensual bedroom maneuver that turns women into quivering puddles of bliss? Have you discovered/invented a surefire move to make a beautiful woman scream and beg for more?

I’m looking for your very best, can’t-miss sex advice. And whoever sends in the best sex tip, I will reward them with 25 of the finest condoms known to mankind.

Here’s why: a year ago, my relationship was taking off, so I bought this fat stack of condoms from a sex shop. The woman behind the counter said these condoms, made by Crown, were the condoms used by porn stars. I believed her, even though most porn I’ve seen looks pretty bareback to me.

According to the (unopened) box, these Crown condoms are good till July 2014. They’re apparently “super thin and sensitive” and “the closest thing to nothing at all.” And despite their high quality, I didn’t even crack open the box. I shelved them instantaneously because my relationship was taking off.

These sleek l’il baby-stoppers can be all yours. I’ll also throw in a few stray Kimono Micro Thins from Japan (“Sheer latex, 38% thinner, advanced engineering!”).

I’ll mail them right to your door or yacht. All you have to do is give me the world’s greatest sex advice.

Do you know a secret recipe that’ll inspire a woman to pull her dress over her head before you even serve dessert?

Have you written down the filthiest and most successful dirty talk in human history?

Do you know how to sweet-talk a woman into suggesting a threesome on the second date?

Do you know how to turn a household appliance  into a vibrator?

Have you invented a position that feels even better than the Cuban Plunge?

Write it, send it, brag about it. I’d love to learn and will share the best anonymous tips in my next column. Email them to info@toromagazine.com today.

Remember: if your sex tip proves to be the best, you’ll not only receive the world’s best condoms, you’ll save me from another ‘semester’ studying at the feet of that stern Spanish gigolo.