I am on FIRE this month. It can’t be long before I’m crowned the World’s Greatest Lover™. Prime example: my next-door neighbours were so disturbed by the sex sounds coming from my bedroom, they packed up and moved away.

But no matter how much my new neighbours yell and kick the walls with their filthy, ineffectual Birkenstocks, I still have nagging questions like, ‘Am I really getting good in bed? Or is my special lady friend just pretending to enjoy our bedtime fun because she’s actually a sex robot from the future who’s been sent to me as a gift?

To get answers to these questions and more, I contacted a science-trained scientist who knows about sciencey science things in the scientific realm. Dr. Patricia Barnes-Svarney is the author of the new non-fiction book, Why Do Women Crave More Sex in the Summer? 112 Questions That Women Keep Asking — and That Keep Everyone Else Guessing.

Based in New York State, she’s a geologist/astronomer, geomorphologist, oceanographer, and astronomer who has written or co-written 25 books including a riveting tearjerker called The New York Public Library Science Desk Reference.

According to her bio, she’s also published over 350 articles for magazines like Popular Science, Air & Space, Astronomy, and Look at Me I’m Dr. Patricia Barnes-Svarney and I’m Soooo Busy and Important Monthly. [I may have made up that last one.]

I interviewed Dr. Barnes-Svarney by email since I’m lazier than a youngest-born sloth on roofies.

Dr. Barnes-Svarney, thank you for letting me pick your mighty brain. Why do women crave more sex in the summer?

Scientifically, the days are longer, which gives a woman’s body plenty of time to manufacture those feel-good hormones, serotonin and dopamine. And most women have better sniffers than men, and there are some smells that get a woman going (roses and lavender come to mind for many women—oh, and of course, chocolate!)… and with summer’s more humid air, those smells are even more intense.

There’s more that even guys know: When the heat is on, women wear lighter, more revealing clothes—and that makes many women feel “freer” – and for some women, more amorous.

Can you think of ways I can trick my special lady friend into thinking it’s summer year round (perhaps taping beach posters over all the windows)?

Nice try — we’re smarter than that: If you live in the cold northlands, just try taking her to an expensive resort in the Bahamas this winter! (Your girlfriend now really, really likes me and will buy my book for saying that...)

By studying my special lady friend’s body language, how can I tell if she wants to have hot Chinese boner pill sex?

This is a book about women, so let me turn the tables here: What attracts a woman to a man? There were a bunch of studies I found, including research on males with good hand grips (really!) to a male’s fancy dance moves (really!).

In my constant effort to blame everything on evolution, it seems that a male’s dancing movements tell a woman — deep within the recesses of the female brain — how healthy, strong, and even vigorous a dancing male can be. And evolutionarily, that could mean that the male is high-quality mate material. (It’s up to you if you can dance after taking the Chinese boner pill…)

All good answers. Then I asked Dr. Barnes-Svarney to give me three scientific tips that will help me to become the World's Greatest Lover. She replied “Buy my book” three times.

What the hell? I’m a half-Scottish travel writer & sex columnist who gets everything for free. I don’t buy books. At best, I might lower myself to steal one.

Dr. Barnes-Svarney left me hanging. I still want three more sex tips to become the World’s Greatest Lover, god damn it! So I scoured the Internet and managed to find these three scientific facts:

1) Even if you are “ugly” or a “jerk,” you will be surrounded by hot women instantly if you spray yourself with “a Powerful Blend of 7 Human Sex Pheromones.” After “12 Years of Scientific Breakthroughs,” the philanthropic geniuses at Nexus Pheromones™ are now sharing their $49.95 sex mist which will “mimic the pheromone scent of attractive, healthy, fertile men.” Look out, hot women, you’re about to have an irresistibly “instinctivesexual response!”

2)However, if the mist wears off in the nightclub, the scientists at Seductionscience.com recommend you “Bombard the [hot woman in the club] with Blitzkrieg Type Tonality and Super Fly Body language and a “I own this shit” mentality.”

3) And once you’ve blitzkrieged her into begging you to take her home, the scientific experts at “India’s largest men’s lifestyle website” recommend you: “Hold back your horses when she says ‘go.’ When you feel that your lady is about to commit for the night, do not hasten at all cost. Many men just react too fast and lean in too close and start touching them. If you do the same, she will shrivel up and play the ‘touch-me-not’ game, while you will go back home and keep a leg pillow for company.”  [I have no idea what a leg pillow might be]

Thanks, science!