I’m learning how to be the World’s Greatest Lover by following sex gurus, medical studies, and every sexpert I can get my grubby hands on.

Today I read a sobering article that made me say ‘Yeesh’ and cross my legs. The headline read, “Study Links Broken Penises to Infidelity.”

Now, first off, speaking purely as a man, ‘broken penises’ is one of the most awful word combinations on the planet, right up there with ‘genocidal maniacs,’ ‘child soldiers,’ and ‘Michael Bublé wrote a coffee table book’.

Second, don’t be fooled by the headline; ‘Study Links Broken Penises To Infidelity’ does not mean that broken penises cause infidelity. In fact, a man with a broken penis is extremely unlikely to commit adultery.*

*Okay, that’s not a fact at all. But I’m 99.99% certain that a man suffering from a snapped dong isn’t capable of much beyond collapsing to the floor, and rocking & moaning in a fetal ball.

What the study did find was that a cheating man will get so excited/rushed by illicit sex, he may recklessly break his beef bugle.

According to last month’s Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr. Andrew Kramer, a urologist & surgeon at the University of Maryland Medical Center, studied 16 cases of penile fracture between 2007 and 2011. The 16 men staggered into (or were dumped outside) their emergency department.

The men’s penises were so badly mangled, they needed surgery to repair them [sorry, guys, duct tape won’t fix this one]. Eight of the patients (50%) admitted they’d broken their penises “during an extramarital affair.” Kramer learned that “only three patients sustained the injury in a bedroom [with their wives]; the remainder was in out-of-the-ordinary locations for sexual intercourse, e.g., cars, elevator, the workplace, and public restrooms.” [Wait, if they don't want us to screw in elevators, why do they put hand sanitizer in there?]

Anyway: medically speaking, exactly what happened to these dicks? Well, there are no bones in your flesh trumpet; so "fracture" refers to tearing your "tunica albuginea.” This is the fibrous membrane that surrounds the spongy tissue in the centre of your penis.

Dr. Kramer says you can tear it during traumatic bending or buckling of your erect pleasure piston “during aggressive sexual behaviour,” i.e. adventurous sex. You’ll hear a ‘popping’ sound. Then your erection vanishes and you’ll experience severe pain, hemorrhaging and swelling. Also: your screams will be heard for days.

According to Dr. Paduch, a New York urologist, your “penis will become deformed; it actually looks kind of grotesque.” He describes the shape of a fractured penis as a "boomerang."

If this happens to you, get immediate surgery or you can suffer erectile dysfunction. Plus your buddies at the gym will either point and laugh at your disfigured dink, or quickly avert their eyes and vomit.

Many studies have examined penile fractures. But until now, no study had studied what men were doing when they broke their ragers.

Dr. Kramer’s conclusion?

“Penile fracture patients appear to be a unique population of men who are having sexual intercourse under stressful situations,” and he added that “extramarital affairs and out-of-the-ordinary locations appear common in patients sustaining this relatively rare injury.”

So what can I learn from these findings? How will they teach me to become the World’s Greatest Lover?

I know this: the study gave me nine things to think about when I was having sex last night.

1)    This study is a huge setback for me because now I’m terrified to move during sex.

2)    Men: don’t cheat on your wife. But if you do cheat on your wife, don’t let your mistress get so excited that she leans back as if she’s on a bucking bronco, or your pecker may snap.

3)    If her bum’s on your office desk, and you’re standing and thrusting inside her, make sure your aim is true, so you don’t ram into the desk instead. And trust me: if you break your penis on your office desk, you won’t qualify for Worker’s Comp unless you’re a gigolo.

4)    You can bust your bone on the dance floor, too. Two years ago, Jamaican doctors were apparently ‘alarmed’ by the tripling of broken penis cases, caused by a dance craze called ‘daggering.’ Watch this sample video.

5)    A German doctor in 1924 was the first to report a case of a penile fracture. But I bet we’d find more historical examples if we took a magnifying glass and studied ancient cave paintings and Egyptian hieroglyphics.

6)    Dr. Paduch says it’s possible for your penis to break if you fall down the stairs but you must be erect at the time. However, I doubt your wife will believe this excuse, unless you give yourself related stair-falling injuries by punching yourself in the ribs.

7)    ‘Penile fracture’ is the worst thing you will ever Google-image search. DON’T DO IT or it will kill your sex drive all week.

8)    On the plus side: now that I’m thinking about all this awful stuff while having sex with my girlfriend, I’m lasting forever so she thinks I care about her needs.

9)    I’m starting to suspect that this study was completely fabricated by crafty wives.

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