A buddy of mine just asked for my advice. Said he got dumped before Christmas and he was taking it hard. Drinking, depression, relentless masturbation. The usual.

John told me he was impressed by how well I bounced back after my marriage swirled the drain. He noticed that my new girlfriend is funny, lightning-smart, hotter than hell, and extremely easy-going. So he asked if I’d share some of my post-divorce wisdom with him.

I said I’d be glad to give him some divorced-guy survival tips. Here they are: 

My advice to newly separated men:

1. Congratulations! Your life just became a Big Beautiful Question Mark. First thing to do: Untag yourself in every Facebook photo that includes the ex, especially wedding day photos. You're single now. Act like it.

2. Erase your ex's number from your phone. Do not call or text her. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

3. Keep the separation amicable and distant. Get a separation agreement in place ASAP. Hopefully you’re not lawyering up and suing each other. Better: a reasonable, amicable agreement that allows you both to move on.

4. Get your taxes up to date. Plus you'll need a lawyer to go over the Separation Agreement for you. Your provincial court needs to know you've both sought basic legal advice from a lawyer. Note: this doesn’t mean some clever lawyer tip you picked up from a John Grisham book.

5. Tough question: did your ex fall in love with another guy? Then you have a big choice to make, pal. You can (A) rant and rave or call yourself a big, fat loser, or (B) you can silently thank her for giving you the Great Gift of Clarity. There’s no turning back. You must move forward.

6. It’s all about branding. You don’t want to be known as the Angry Cuckold. We've all seen the bitter divorced guy who wastes two years screaming and drinking himself into oblivion ... and then he eventually gets better.

7. Instead, choose to be as happy and successful as you can, as early as you can. Because let's face it: it's the same amount of loss either way. May as well be happy while you heal.

8. My female buddy gave me this tip: “Right now, go to your computer and make a list of real-life women you want to flirt with. Why? Because being successfully single means you’re thinking forwards, not backwards.”

9. When you’re making your flirt list, think outside the box. Don't just compile an easy list of women who are friends with the ex, or the babe in your next-door cubicle. Think older, younger, different. Aim high.

10. Here’s some fine advice on being single, given to me by a happily remarried female friend: “Get laid, especially with people who are leaving town soon like actresses (if you can handle their weirdness).”

11. Do NOT get a girlfriend right away. Sex is fine and friendly. But set a goal of staying officially single for a year.

12. Know this: it’s a competitive dating scene so get your shit together.

13. Fix your flaws. Are you a fat, smoking slob? Turn off the TV, work out, eat better, drop the butts, get a sport, and pick up your dirty socks every goddamned day.

14. Shed your skin. Get rid of any stuff in your home that reminds you of your ex. Do it now. Sell or give most of it away, and chuck the rest. Make lots of lists for things that matter to you, like, ‘To Do’ list, ‘To Flirt With’, Career Goals, Travel goals, Condo Improvement goals.

15. Don’t hit on your divorce lawyer or therapist(s). Trust me.

16. Transform your home into a 007 retreat. You want a sexy place where your dates will feel instantly comfortable. You'll enjoy your home more if you make it your own. So paint it, get interesting art up on the walls (no nude prints or video game posters, duh), acquire new furniture, and get a killer stereo for the bedroom.

17. Replace your ex with the biggest goddamned TV that money can buy. And get it cheaper by shopping at dent-and-scratch stores that sell year-old demo models.

18. Learn how to follow recipes and women will beat a path to your dining room.

19. Make various playlists for your iTunes that cover various stages of a successful home date. Also: I’m sorry to report but your music all sucks. Ask cool friends to bring you up to date.

20. Your clothes suck too. Get someone stylish to revitalize your wardrobe.

21. Clearly useful: you’ll need a few thousand in dating cabbage, a.k.a. ‘cash.’

22. Start dating before you think you're ready.

23. On a first date, don’t plant yourself in one bar. Meet her for a drink, and then hop to two more lounges. This bonds you and makes you feel like you've had three dates instead of one.

24. Avoid sitting across from her on a date. Feels like a job interview. Instead, sit/stand beside or adjacent to them in booths or at bars, so you're bonded as a team looking out at the world (and all those idiots) together.

25. This is the journalist in me: instead of blathering on about how awesome/nervous you are, ask the woman questions about her day, career, hopes, and dreams, and actually listen to and comment on her answers.

26. Read the news before your date. You have to bring something to the conversation.

27. Remember how I said it’s a competitive dating scene? Actually, it’s not. I totally lied so you’d get in shape and vastly improve your chances of getting laid. Take a good look at your ‘competition’ and you’ll notice that most single guys in their 30s are wobbly, wounded chumps. Clean up better than they do, and your sex life will catch fire.

28. Sure, attractive women in their early 20s have to beat back 20-something guys with a stick. Those guys are everywhere (usually the Cactus Club or anywhere that’s playing a homoerotic MMA bout). However, if you’re seeking smart, accomplished single women who are 30 years old and up, you’ll have the field to yourself. Because by age 30, your competition all dropped off through marriage, war, overdoses, or monster truck fires. Just make sure you’re a functioning, interesting, employed fella with goals, dreams, a workout regimen, and a functioning penis.

29. As my buddy Jay once said, “You like her? Go talk to her. Remember: it's all practice.”