I used to be horrible in bed. But that’s all about to change. This year I'm learning how to become the World’s Greatest Lover, and documenting my quest in this column.

So far I’ve taken sex classes with a sex hypnotist, studied the effects of supersized-boner pills, guzzled exotic foreign sex potions, pored over studies on people’s nastiest, sexiest Google searches, and rigorously followed a university study on how certain music will make women want to have sex with you /me.

The tips have been valuable. For starters, I now have a superhot official girlfriend. And I’m practising my newfound sex knowledge as often as I can. But this past weekend was a challenge as we visited her parents’ house for Thanksgiving.

It’s hard to be a sex god when your girlfriend’s dad is a mighty, powerful, giant of a man, and a former mixed martial arts champion who may have killed people during an unspecified war. 

So I searched the Internet for etiquette advice on how to have secret sex and somehow survive. But when I searched the web for "how to have sex at your girlfriend's parents house," Google came up with exactly zero answers. Either Google had no idea how to have sex at its girlfriend’s parents’ house, or else Google didn’t dare search for an answer in case its girlfriends’ parents found out it was Googling for how to have sex in their house.

However, I did find a guy in the U.K. who was in a similar boat as me. He was worried because his girlfriend’s father was big, strong and ex-military. So the young man wrote to Yahoo! Answers (U.K. and Ireland), and asked people if he should set an alarm clock for 3 a.m., then wake up his girlfriend so they could shag while her parents were asleep … in the next room.

Sounded like a dumb plan to me. Sure enough, only one person said he should go for it and most respondents thought it was a horrible idea. The most popular response was from this pinched-face woman whose “6 cats are the loves of [her] life.”

“WHY do you feel you MUST have sex during this time at the parents' house?” she wrote. “Is this the ONLY opportunity you will EVER have to have sex with her? WHY MUST YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER AT ALL, but respect her and refrain? Are you simply unable to control yourself, like a DOG in HEAT?”

I’m allergic to cat owners so I kept searching the internet for tips on how to be a secret DOG in HEAT. That’s when I found this video by self-proclaimed “love experts” Matt and his wingwoman Tamsen. In front of a green screen that makes their skin and hair look like it’s burning off, Matt and Tamsen bicker over whether it’s appropriate to bang a gong, get it on at the in-laws.

Tamsen think sex at the in-laws is “gross.” But Matt, who might be hiding his gayness, said it’s sexy because “it’s taboo” and claims “I’ve done it with every girl I’ve brought home,” and thinks “it’s absolutely fabulous.”

But what Matt doesn’t tell me is HOW to do it and get away with it. So I kept searching until I found this list of 70 Things to Do with Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Instead of Sex by a psychotherapist named (and I’m not making this up) Mary Jo Rapini. Her list of stellar ways to avoid sex is:

10. “Make a scrapbook of your friendship”
16. “Make a toothpick house”
29. “Submit an article to a local newspaper that will improve people's lives” [hey, I’m already doing that!]

Then she finished with an idea so terrible, no wonder she left it last:

70. “Talk to your girlfriend's/boyfriend's parents. How do they feel about your relationship with their son/daughter?”

[SIDE NOTE: When I wrote this, I was lounging by the fireplace in my girlfriend’s parents’ basement games room. I thought the 70 Things to Do with Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Instead of Sex were so funny, I started reading them aloud to my girlfriend … just as her dad walked in. He graciously pretended to not have heard, and instead, he asked if we wanted to stay another night so he could go out in his boat and catch us some crabs].

It was so thoughtful, I almost gave up on my whole ‘having sex with the daughter” scheme. But then she started pawing at my jeans, and I gave up on giving up.

At that point, I had to stop writing because my girlfriend figured we had about 45 minutes to fool around before her dad returned with the crabs.

Looking back, I did manage to learn four things about secret sex at the in-laws:

1. You may think you’re being quiet. But you aren’t.
2. After turkey dinner is a good time, as the overloaded dishwasher makes  a decent noise shield.
3. No choking. If you do get caught, gentle sex is easier to laugh off.
4. Befriend their family pets. When you first meet them, feed the dogs ground turkey bits. If all goes well, when it’s time for sex they won’t mistake it for an assault and maul you.

3 Comments | Add a Comment
As a 44 year old male, staying at my 22 year old girlfriends parents place for the first time was a bit uneasy. I chose to just sleep, but she wanted to have sex. I was petrified about having sex in her parents home. Why she was not is beyond me.
Shhhh... sh... just go back to sleep.
Haha, I liked the article! :D I also hope that you know How To Eat A Girl Out to make things even louder ;)
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