In my quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’ve sought tips and wisdom from psychologists, sexperts and other random perverts.

I’ve learned heaps of new sack skills. Yet after 17 columns, I still haven’t written about sex toys. Clearly it’s time I filled that gap.

Last month, a vibrator company approached me after they liked my column about the perils of breaking your penis during sex. They invited me to try their new ‘couples vibrator’ called the We-Vibe 3.

It’s billed as the “#1 Vibrator for Couples Worn While Making Love™” and no, I have no idea who judges this stuff, so I can’t tell you if the competition was, um, stiff.

“Sure,” I said, “I’ll test your vibrator, just as long as it isn’t used.”

So they shipped me an unmarked 5-inch X 8-inch brown box. When the courier dumped it on my doorstep, I chuckled because the box doesn’t mention ‘we,’ ‘vibe,’ sex, toys, rubbing, frottery, penetration, plunge, buzzing, tickling, roaring, shuddering, screaming or physical release in any way. Nope, it’s just a box marked ‘Taylor & Grant’s Candies, Chocolates and Food Gifts.’

I ripped open the package to find a white container with a purple box top. The picture on the box shows a man and woman linking feet, side-by-side and face down on the bed like they’re watching TV in bed or passed out in a fallen, drunken heap.

Inside the container I found this purple thing that looks like an angry little Alien critter.

It’s a couples vibrator, so naturally I asked a test subject to help me review it. My superfine girlfriend agreed. I turned down the lights, gave her some whisky, and played some Barry White.

I revved up the device then handed it to my test subject.

The pamphlet says you’re supposed to slide the smaller bulb inside the vagina, and rest the larger bulb outside. So when the man enters the woman, the penis pushes the We-Vibe up against her G spot. Meanwhile, outside, his abdomen presses the larger bulb against her clitoris.

That’s right ... this vibrator is actually inside the vagina at the same time as the penis. It’s like having a threesome with a boy, I guess.

My first thought was, “This sucks. Why bother? I’m distracted. Unlike.”

My test subject felt lukewarm about it, too, but then we discovered something special. The We-Vibe comes with remote control.

We clicked the clicker a few times and discovered the We-Vibe has six speeds:

1)     1st Gear – jiggles like a normal vibrator

2)     2nd Gear – jiggles like 2nd gear on a normal vibrator … provided your normal vibrator looks like a clamp-on Bluetooth headset that a douchebag wears when parking his Hummer in the Walmart handicapped spot.

3)     3rd Gear – pulses in a really pushy way, like it’s impatiently urging your lover to “Come! Do it! C’mon! Come!”

4)     4th Gear – pulses hard then soft, over and over, like a Nirvana song, or as if it’s saying, “Up we gooooooooooo, and now we’re slowwwwwwwwww, and up we goooooooo…”

5)     5th Gear – pulses repeatedly fast, like a hyena laughing at your naked body

6)     6th Gear – this is the weirdest speed. It has two pulses followed by a quick trio of short pulses, so it sounds like a high school football crowd cheering, “Go Trojans! Fight-fight-fight!”

In short: the We-Vibe will work really hard to get you off. And by you, I mean ‘not me.’

Although it didn’t wow me, maybe that’s because I’m getting better in bed. Maybe I don’t need a sensual device to vibe my lady because I HAVE TRANSFORMED INTO A SENSUAL DEVICE MYSELF.

So what did I learn about becoming the World’s Greatest Lover?

1)     The We-Vibe mimics the real-life movements of a penis, if your penis is a Schizophrenic Cokehead Who Will Not Calm the Fuck Down.

2)     If your dog sheds, don’t drop your vibrator on the floor or his fur will stick to the We-Vibe’s silicon shell and won’t come off for a million years.

3)     If you need a short pee break, the We-Vibe is the ideal placeholder for your penis, if your penis looks and feels like a wet purple slug.

4)     The We-Vibe 3 is pleasurable if you clamp it on your boyfriend’s nut sack so he can beat off while you read a magazine.