I’m learning how to become the World’s Greatest Lover. My quest will take me around the world, as I seek datin’, kissin’, and sexual wisdom from the leading sages on the planet.
I’ll talk with sex gurus and oracles, swamis and monks. But first I’m seeking wisdom from the sharpest minds of our generation.
I’m referring of course to my friends on Facebook — the town square of the 21st century. Who better to give advice on dating, sex, and love, than 944 snarky, sarcastic, divorced, and jaded acquaintances?
So I posted a status update that sought their dating tips for men and women. Here’s what they told me:
*Dating Tip #1:* (as submitted by my buddy’s drunken brother) Don't spill wine on her dress and then try to make it OK by telling her it's an ugly dress.
*Dating Tip #2:* (courtesy of Robin) Life is short. Ask for what you want.
*Dating Tip #3:* (sarcastic comment from Val to a guy she met online) Check your privacy settings on Facebook so your dates can't see that you're engaged to a woman in New York.
*Dating Tip #4:* (courtesy of Jim) If someone says “Tempting offer” they are not tempted by your offer.
*Dating Tip #5:* (from my own status update about the year I was 22) Don’t show up for a date with dried puke on your pants.
*Dating Tip #6:* (courtesy of Diana) First date is always drinks. Coffee just makes you jangled and paranoid, without the bonding of a nice boozy buzz. Avoid dinner on a first date – that’s like an expensive job interview that takes too long and is fraught with annoying waiter interruptions and splattery awkwardness.
*Dating Tip #7:* (courtesy of Sue) Wishy-washiness is a Canadian plague. If someone asks you out, say either, “Hell, yeah,” or “No thanks.” Anything else is wasting everyone’s time.
*Dating Tip #8:* (courtesy of Val again) Wait until at least the third date to reveal your alcoholic tendencies.
*Dating Tip #9:* (submitted by Chris) If they say they don't play games or like drama, look out, because they play games and like lots of drama.
*Dating Tip #10:* (submitted by Ellen) Don’t interrupt her unless her hair is on fire.
*Dating Tip #11:* (submitted by Craig) If she says she values her independence but wants a man who can take charge, don't move, you're in a minefield.
*Dating Tip #12:* (from my own status update about the year I was 26) Make sure everyone knows it’s a date. I once went on what I thought was a kayaking date. Unfortunately, she brought some guy I’d never met. For the next 3 hours, they flirted all over the goddamned ocean. They even made sucky kissy-faces as they drifted past each other’s kayaks. Worst ‘date’ ever.
*Dating Tip #13:* (courtesy of Angie) Don’t try to ask out a woman by poking them or, worse, sticking a suggestive Post-It note on her arm with your phone number on it, and then sprinting in the opposite direction. You’ve got a mouth; use it.
*Dating Tip #14:* No public cries for help. An acquaintance of mine, Mike, is single and lonely. I know this because last night he posted the following Facebook update: “Is it so bad that I just want to be held?”
Tactically brutal. When I told my single friend Diana about it, she said, “Tell Mike the only way I would hold him is by giving him a squeeze in the nuts for being such a whining p***y."