I want to become the World’s Greatest Lover because it sounds like a totally fun job, the position’s currently vacant, and it demands a very special skill set, so I can command whatever salary I want [also: if I keep saying I’m becoming the World’s Greatest Lover, hopefully my superfine new girlfriend will eventually start to agree].

To train myself for this gig, I’m harassing gurus and sexperts until they spill their naughty, sticky secrets.

Today I’ve found a sexual scientist named Dr. Jennifer Harman. A social psychology professor at Colorado State University, Jennifer (and her many sexy colleagues) have released a new book called ‘The Science of Relationships: Answers to Your Questions about Dating, Marriage and Family.’ You can buy a new one on Amazon for $19.99 or a used one for $171.08 [No idea why the used one is so expensive unless Jennifer added raunchy scribbles and graffiti].

So what’s so special about their book? Unlike most self-help books, which are opinion-based and written by clinicians (i.e. boring farts & sexless eunuchs), this book is based on a little something I call the Awesome Power of Science. Using the findings of actual scientific studies, the team answers your most common, burning questions about attraction, sex, love, long-term relationships and threesomes.

I fear and respect science like it’s a honey badger. So I tracked Jennifer down to her sexual laboratory and fired questions at her from a safe distance.

Doctor, how do I become the World’s Greatest Lover?

An excellent goal! Here’s how you can become the World's Greatest Lover:

1) There is a G-spot for most women. It’s about 1-3 inches on the upper vaginal wall. Many studies have confirmed the existence of this Holy Grail, but its size varies, and it needs a lot of stimulation for it to work. Makes for a fun night of exploration, if you’re up to the spelunking.

2) Penis size really doesn't matter as much as people think. I know, size and girth feels good, but the clitoris is where it’s at. Imagine having all the nerve endings of your penis in one concentrated spot. Most women don’t climax from vaginal intercourse alone. If a woman's clitoris is about 1 inch from her vagina, she can get more stimulation than if it’s further away, so that’s why size won't help you much. Learn where her clitoris is. Try different positions to get her clitoris involved in as much of the action as possible.

3) If you’re into role playing (which can help keep things fresh as the relationship progresses), trying playing the bad boy or flash your bling around when she’s most fertile (buy her a gift, wear your designer clothes, expensive watch, etc.). This means between Day 1 of her period through the 14th to 16th day of her cycle. That’s when most women are most attracted to men who display status and wealth, or have features that signal health and virility (think George Clooney with his strong jaw, large forehead).

If your girlfriend’s on the pill, though, this won't work for you. For some reason, fooling the body into thinking it’s already pregnant makes these effects non-existent for women.

I have not seen a study to look at this yet, but I would put my poker chips on the hypothesis that women on the pill would prefer men who display signs of "investment" or caregiver types ... more "soft" traits like less prominent chins (think Leonardo DiCaprio) over the course of their entire cycle.

Aha, you’ve given me two fine but radically opposing ideas for facial reconstruction surgery. Thanks! Next question: When I have sex with my lady friend, how come some of my sperm pours out of her vagina instead of staying in? Seems counterproductive. Wait … am I just becoming an incredibly powerful lover?

A powerful lover, you may be, Ken, and don’t let spillage fool you into thinking otherwise. There are biological/physiological reasons that this happens, primarily based on sexual selection and what we call “sperm competition.”

Because females have more parental investment than males, they are more selective in who they choose to have sex with. If she has decided to have sex with you, you passed the first hurdle. But, the competition doesn’t end there.

Biologically, our bodies have also evolved to ensure that the very best sperm are selected from the large deposit you are making each time you have sex. In other words, her body has evolved in a way to make sure only the strongest and most successful sperm makes it to her egg. Even though a lot of sperm may spill out, there are many more that make it through the gate. The rest of the journey is not a cakewalk, though. The female reproductive organs have many other defenses in place to make sure that only the strongest survive!

So basically you’re saying my sperm is like Indiana Jones. It’s not just running out of the cave, it’s being chased by rolling boulders, poison darts and a vaginal wall of spikes … Final question, doc: can you give me a secret hypnotic phrase that I can whisper to my lady friend to make her bark and pant with desire? 

Women are generally more self conscious about their bodies than you are. Our society, media, men, they all objectify women, especially naked. As women grow up, they start viewing their bodies the way others see it; they essentially start to see themselves as objects.

This can make it very difficult for women to enjoy sex. Imagine having sex and constantly thinking about how your body looks at different angles, or whether your partner’s turned off by that little bit of cellulite on our ass.

Best strategy for you: Make her stop thinking about how she looks to you, and get her as focused on what’s happening in the moment. This can be as simple as telling her "Just think about what I’m doing to you.”

Mmm, that’s smokin’ hot. Thanks a lot, Science!

Our pleasure.

For more sex advice that may or may not be better than mine, check out the Doc's website.