Oh sure, we know that Serena Williams captured her fourth U.S. Open tennis title this weekend. We know that Tiger Woods came up three shots short at the BMW Championship and Peyton Manning won his first game with the Denver Broncos.
But there are five ridiculous stories out there that just aren’t getting the attention they deserve – stories so messed up that they could only be true:
Roger Clemens might actually pitch in a major league game this season.
No, I’m not kidding. After spending most of his retirement fending off allegations that he used steroids as a pro, the 50-year-old former pitcher threw 4-2/3 scoreless innings in his second start for the minor-league Sugarland Skeeters on Friday night.
With his 25-year-old son Koby handling the catching duties and a fastball topping out at 88 mph, Clemens retired 14 batters with his slider, splitter and curveball. Scouts from his hometown Houston Astros were in attendance.
If Grandpa Clemens does manage to pitch in an official MLB game this season, it will postpone his appearance on the Hall of Fame ballot from this summer to five years from now … when decisions about the worthiness of other steroid-accused players like Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire will have long been decided.
Sly as an HGH-laced fox, that Rocket.
The new LeBron James sneaker will retail for $315.
Let’s consider this one just another effort to reach out to the ‘average fan’ by the King of bad P.R. choices.
James, who’s made a career out of pissing off virtually everyone outside of the city of Miami since his ill-advised ‘Decision’ to leave Cleveland as a free agent two years ago, will now be encouraging his remaining fans to riot and kill each other for a limited-edition pair of LeBron X Nikes with a sticker price of $315.
Well played, Mr. James. It’s great that you can get more inner-city kids to pad your bank account by paying outrageous prices for crappy shoes rather than investing in things like rent, food or schoolbooks – you know, the unimportant things in your world.
Sidney Crosby is getting closer to retirement.
If the 2012-13 NHL season is wiped out because of a lockout like the 2004-05 season was, Sidney Crosby will have lost three of his most productive hockey years to injury and labour strife.
If there is no hockey next year, Crosby will have 103 points in just 63 games over three years after missing the bulk of the past two seasons with post-concussion symptoms.
By contrast, during his sixth, seventh and eighth seasons, Wayne Gretzky played 234 games and racked up an astonishing 628 points.
I’ve always said comparing Crosby to Gretzky is the equivalent of comparing the guy who played Skreech on Saved by the Bell to Charlton Heston in Ben Hur, but it’s sad when even the league seems to be conspiring against him actually achieving anything.
Vernon Wells is making $21 million this season.
Yes, it’s crazy that the New York Islanders will pay Alexei Yashin $2 million this year even though they cut him five years ago, and I can’t believe the New York Mets will be paying Bobby Bonilla $1.2 million a year until 2035 because they deferred what they owed him when they cut him in 2000. But I’d argue the L.A. Angels are even worse off with Wells.
The 33-year-old outfielder has played 63 games this year and is batting a pathetic .227 with 10 home runs and 25 RBIs. Yet he’s the eighth-highest-paid player in baseball, with the Angels doling out over $100,000 each time he steps up to the plate.
What’s worse, they will have to pay him another $42 million over the next two seasons while trying to figure out how to pay legitimate stars like Mike Trout and Mark Trumbo.
Although the Toronto Blue Jays got nothing in return for Wells when they traded him to the Angels two years ago, it’s clear they were the winners of that deal by a landslide.
Lance Armstrong still says he never did steroids.
Lance, everyone who’s ever cycled with you has testified that you cheated. Every doctor you’ve ever worked with has been linked to performance-enhancing drugs. I think even my mom has evidence of your mid-race blood transfusions. For a guy who’s notorious for being a fighter, your surrender to the USADA’s charges only confirms that the jig was up.
Getting banned from the Chicago Marathon this weekend is humiliating for a former legend, and seeing you still trot around in those stupid yellow jerseys and Livestrong wristbands is actually kind of sad. It’s sorta like all those years when Pete Rose just wouldn’t admit to himself what everyone else knew – that he’d bet on baseball.
Unlike other steroid users, I don’t think we’d forgive and forget if you confessed and came clean now. Like the Tour de France course, your path of denial has been far too long and drawn-out.
No, at this point I think we’d just like for you to go away. Thanks for that.